Its hard to believe that its been a year since I was standing at our church picnic wondering if my oldest son was going to live. Hard to believe its been a year since I was watching Caleb give him rescue breaths. A year since the worst day of my life.
We are so thankful our Cole Michael is alive. And not only alive, but living with no indications that he ever had a closed head injury. He is still smart as ever, and remembers more about as he calls it 'breaking my head' than I really wish he did! The only thing that was affected by the fall was his emotions. He has always been a quick crier, and we had been making great strides in that area, but after everything happened it was as if a year's time had been shaved off of his emotional development. Honestly, he was an emotional wreck and, as the doctors reassured me, it was to be expected. I mean the kid almost died, spent over 48 hours in the PICU and another 48 on the regular floor in the hospital. Thats pretty traumatic stuff. Sometimes he would get so upset for no reason and at the silliest things and he would sob and sob and yell and yell and all I could do in those moments was hold him close and cry with him. As time wore on he got better and better at controlling his anger/emotions and though he is not completely done with the outbursts, I do feel like we are at least back to where he was before the fall.
I didnt deal with anything that happened until about 3-4 months afterwards. Don't get me wrong, for a long long time I recounted the events of that day in my head every day. I just couldnt get it out of my mind. But one night, it was just overwhelming. We were lying in bed, almost asleep and I started bawling. I mean seriously crying and crying. I had to hold him. I spent a long time in Cole's bed that night, praying, crying, thanking Jesus for letting me continue to be Cole's mama.
Like every mom, there are times when I start to long for different days. Days when I can go to the bathroom alone, or sit at dinner and not say the words 'take a bite, please' 800 times. And it never fails... its the days when I long to be kid free that I look over at my sweet Cole Michael, he smiles, and the Lord reminds me how fortunate I am to be a mommy. He reminds me to enjoy these sweet gifts He has given to Caleb and me because in an instant they could be gone.
Oh how we love our sweet children. The Lord has blessed us beyond measure. He indeed is gracious in all things!